Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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