Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
