I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
