I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
