Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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