What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
