I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
