I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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