Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
