Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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