After last night, I could never be a politician.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
