If that was your dad, he is hot
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
