You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
