You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
