i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
