I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
