I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
