I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
