She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
