Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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