The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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