Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
