At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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