I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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