if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Randomize
