ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
