um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
