When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
