hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
