how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
