How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
