mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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