You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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