I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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