just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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