i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
