Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
