I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
