Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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