I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
