The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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