am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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