I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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