Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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