i already hear my dad disowning me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
