Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
