Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
