it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
