If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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