I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
do herpes really smell.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
