Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
